Table of Contents
   Introduction: Counting Fairwaysp. 1
   Pop Goes the … Wait, Was That Me?p. 13
   You're Not Gonna like the Way It Smellsp. 29
   Safe Soxp. 43
   Spooning With Roverp. 61
   Sex at Fifty or … Fright Nightp. 91
   Having Kids After Fifty, or … are You Crazy?p. 103
   Keep Fit or Die Tryingp. 113
   Warning: Texting Makes You Blindp. 127
   Bite Mep. 139
   My Left Foot, I Mean, My Right Kidneyp. 149
   Golf Lessonsp. 171
   Immortality, or Freezing My Ass for the Next Hundred Yearsp. 187
   The Last Days of Creepy Little White Girlp. 207
   Things You Should Do Before You Die, I Mean, Turn Fiftyp. 217
   Conclusion: Coming Homep. 255
   Acknowledgmentsp. 275