Table of Contents

	Introduction	p. 1
	I Was a Three-Year-Old Arsonist	p. 3
	My Childhood: David Copperfield Meets Guns & Ammo Magazine	p. 9
	Stanley, the Magical Talking Squirrel	p. 22
	Don't Tell Your Parents	p. 30
	Jenkins, You Motherfucker	p. 37
	If You Need an Arm Condom, It Might Be Time to Reevaluate Some of Your Life Choices	p. 46
	Draw Me a Fucking Dog	p. 58
	And That's Why Neil Patrick Harris Would Be the Most Successful Mass Murderer Ever	p. 70
	No One Ever Taught Me Couch Etiquette	p. 79
	Just Your Average Engagement Story	p. 83
	It Wasn't Stew	p. 88
	Married on the Fourth of July	p. 95
	There's No Place Like Home	p. 100
	A Series of Helpful Post-it Notes I Left Around the House for My Husband This Week	p. 105
	The Dark and Disturbing Secrets HR Doesn't Want You to Know	p. 111
	If You See My Liver, You've Gone Too Far	p. 125
	My Vagina Is Fine. Thanks for Asking	p. 134
	Phone Conversation I Had with My Husband After I Got Lost for the Eighty Thousandth Time	p. 140
	And Then I Got Stabbed in the Face by a Serial Killer	p. 146
	Thanks for the Zombies, Jesus	p. 164
	Making Friends with Girls	p. 169
	I Am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives (In That I Am Both "Great and Terrible" and Because I Sometimes Hide Behind the Curtains)	p. 191
	The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Bathroom Door	p. 201
	An Open Letter to My Husband, Who Is Asleep in the Next Room	p. 209
	Just to Clarify: We Don't Sleep with Goats	p. 212
	Stabbed by Chicken	p. 221
	It Wasn't Even My Crack	p. 238
	Honestly, I Don't Even Know Where I Got That Machete: A Comic Tragedy in Three Farts Days	p. 247
	I'm Going to Need an Old Priest and a Young Priest	p. 258
	And That's Why You Should Learn to Pick Your Battles	p. 277
	Hairless Rats: Free for Kids Only	p. 282
	And Then I Snuck a Dead Cuban Alligator on an Airplane	p. 287
	You Can't Go Home Again (Unless You Want to Get Mauled by Wild Dogs)	p. 297
	Epilogue	p. 307
	The End (Sort of)	p. 309
	True Facts	p. 815
	Acknowledgments	p. 317

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