| | Introduction | p. 3 |
| | Origin Story | p. 7 |
| | Growing Up and Liking It | p. 11 |
| | All Girls Must Be Everything | p. 19 |
| | Delaware County Summer Showtime! | p. 27 |
| | That's Don Fey | p. 45 |
| | Climbing Old Rag Mountain | p. 57 |
| | Young Men's Christian Association | p. 67 |
| | The Windy City, Full of Meat | p. 81 |
| | My Honeymoon, or A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again Either | p. 89 |
| | The Secrets of Mommy's Beauty | p. 103 |
| | Remembrances of Being Very Very Skinny | p. 115 |
| | Remembrances of Being a Little Bit Fat | p. 117 |
| | A Childhood Dream, Realized | p. 119 |
| | Peeing in Jars with Boys | p. 133 |
| | I Don't Care If You Like It | p. 143 |
| | Amazing, Gorgeous, Not Like That | p. 147 |
| | Dear Internet | p. 163 |
| | 30 Rock: An Experiment to Confuse Your Grandparents | p. 169 |
| | Sarah, Oprah, and Captain Hook | p. 197 |
| | There's a Drunk Midget in My House | p. 237 |
| | A Celebrity's Guide to Celebrating the Birth of Jesus | p. 245 |
| | Juggle This | p. 255 |
| | The Mother's Prayer for Its Daughter | p. 261 |
| | What Turning Forty Means to Me | p. 265 |
| | What Should I Do with My Last Five Minutes? | p. 267 |
| | Acknowledgments | p. 277 |