Table of Contents
   Introductionp. 3
   Origin Storyp. 7
   Growing Up and Liking Itp. 11
   All Girls Must Be Everythingp. 19
   Delaware County Summer Showtime!p. 27
   That's Don Feyp. 45
   Climbing Old Rag Mountainp. 57
   Young Men's Christian Associationp. 67
   The Windy City, Full of Meatp. 81
   My Honeymoon, or A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again Eitherp. 89
   The Secrets of Mommy's Beautyp. 103
   Remembrances of Being Very Very Skinnyp. 115
   Remembrances of Being a Little Bit Fatp. 117
   A Childhood Dream, Realizedp. 119
   Peeing in Jars with Boysp. 133
   I Don't Care If You Like Itp. 143
   Amazing, Gorgeous, Not Like Thatp. 147
   Dear Internetp. 163
   30 Rock: An Experiment to Confuse Your Grandparentsp. 169
   Sarah, Oprah, and Captain Hookp. 197
   There's a Drunk Midget in My Housep. 237
   A Celebrity's Guide to Celebrating the Birth of Jesusp. 245
   Juggle Thisp. 255
   The Mother's Prayer for Its Daughterp. 261
   What Turning Forty Means to Mep. 265
   What Should I Do with My Last Five Minutes?p. 267
   Acknowledgmentsp. 277