Table of Contents
   Introductionp. 3
   Origin Storyp. 7
   Young Men's Christian Associationp. 67
   The Secrets of Mommy's Beautyp. 103
   Remembrances of Being a Little Bit Fatp. 117
   Peeing in Jars with Boysp. 133
   Growing Up and Liking Itp. 11
   All Girls Must Be Everythingp. 19
   Delaware County Summer Showtime!p. 27
   That's Don Feyp. 45
   Climbing Old Rag Mountainp. 57
   The Windy City, Full of Meatp. 81
   A Childhood Dream, Realizedp. 119
   My Honeymoon, or A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again Eitherp. 89
   Remembrances of Being Very Very Skinnyp. 115
   I Don't Care If You Like Itp. 143
   Amazing, Gorgeous, Not Like Thatp. 147
   Dear Internetp. 163
   30 Rock: An Experiment to Confuse Your Grandparentsp. 169
   Sarah, Oprah, and Captain Hookp. 197
   There's a Drunk Midget in My Housep. 237
   A Celebrity's Guide to Celebrating the Birth of Jesusp. 245
   Juggle Thisp. 255
   What Turning Forty Means to Mep. 265
   What Should I Do with My Last Five Minutes?p. 267
   Acknowledgmentsp. 277
   The Mother's Prayer for Its Daughterp. 261