| | Meet Me at Emotional Baggage Claim | p. 1 |
| | Shakespeare Was No Dummy | p. 6 |
| | I Love You, Man | p. 9 |
| | Motherhood Has No Expiration Date | p. 13 |
| | Ode to Vance Packard | p. 16 |
| | Cushy | p. 19 |
| | Field Guide to the American Male | p. 22 |
| | Boxers or Briefs | p. 25 |
| | Tickle | p. 28 |
| | iBurglars | p. 31 |
| | Homebodies | p. 34 |
| | Once Upon a Time | p. 37 |
| | Moving On | p. 40 |
| | Advertise Here | p. 43 |
| | Insecurity Clearance | p. 46 |
| | Fawning | p. 49 |
| | Starry Starry Night | p. 53 |
| | The Many Homes of Mother Mary | p. 56 |
| | Happy Birthday | p. 61 |
| | Aftershocked | p. 65 |
| | Stroke, Stroke, Bail, Bail | p. 69 |
| | The Facts of Life | p. 73 |
| | Southern Exposure | p. 76 |
| | Wag the Technology | p. 79 |
| | Kicking Tuches | p. 82 |
| | Labor Day | p. 87 |
| | I Stink, Officially | p. 91 |
| | You're So Vain, This Is About You | p. 94 |
| | Shortcut Sally | p. 100 |
| | Doggie Universe | p. 103 |
| | Unspecial Delivery | p. 106 |
| | There Was a Little Girl, Who Had a Little Curl | p. 111 |
| | Final Curtain | p. 114 |
| | Emotional Baggage | p. 117 |
| | Willpower and Won'tpower | p. 121 |
| | Hairy and Crazy | p. 124 |
| | Very Personal Shopper | p. 127 |
| | 9/11, Ten Years Later | p. 130 |
| | Gateway Paint | p. 135 |
| | Gateway Brownie | p. 138 |
| | Bittersweet | p. 143 |
| | Plan C | p. 146 |
| | Snow Job | p. 150 |
| | Lisa Hits the Eggnog | p. 153 |
| | You Can Never Buy a Gift for a Mother | p. 156 |
| | And Many Happy Returns | p. 159 |
| | Controlled Freaks | p. 162 |
| | Dating at the Speed Limit, or the Bad News | p. 165 |
| | Skype Appeal | p. 169 |
| | Dating at the Speed Limit, or the Good News | p. 173 |
| | Girl with a Pearl Earring | p. 176 |
| | Magic Mushrooms | p. 179 |
| | Mythical Beastie | p. 184 |
| | Blizzard of Oz | p. 187 |
| | Mother Mary and the MRI | p. 190 |
| | Grandmother Whisperer | p. 193 |
| | Feet Don't Fail Me Now | p. 197 |
| | Slip Sliding Away | p. 201 |
| | In Which Spunky Teaches Me About Mother Mary | p. 205 |
| | Subtext | p. 208 |
| | In-box of Letters | p. 212 |
| | Spoiled | p. 216 |
| | To Everything, There Is a Season | p. 220 |
| | Hang-Ups | p. 223 |
| | Nobody's Passenger | p. 227 |
| | All We Have to Do Is Take This Lie and Make It True | p. 231 |
| | Called to Order | p. 235 |
| | I Am Mother Mary | p. 239 |
| | Get Well, or Else | p. 243 |
| | Gadget Girl | p. 246 |
| | Jazz Hands | p. 251 |
| | An Open Letter from an Open Heart | p. 254 |
| | Acknowledgments | p. 261 |