| | Introduction-or: I Try To Be Good | p. 1 |
| | | |
| | Call Me Puffin | p. 17 |
| | Caffeine-Lifeblood of the Twenty-first Century | p. 20 |
| | Celebrity Watch Special: Michael Jackson's Memorial | p. 23 |
| | I Am Caitlin Moran, and I Was a Skunk Addict | p. 30 |
| | I Am Late to Interview the Prime Minister | p. 34 |
| | What I Learned up a Mountain This Summer | p. 37 |
| | I Am a Dwarf Called "Scottbaio" | p. 41 |
| | I Do a Lot for Charity, but I Would Never Mention It | p. 47 |
| | Ghostbusters Is the Greatest Film of All Time. Please Do Not Argue with Me. | p. 50 |
| | Keith-Noddy Holder Says You Wear a Wig | p. 54 |
| | Sherlock Review 1: Like a Jaguar in a Cello | p. 69 |
| | Sherlock Review 2: The Frumious Cumberbatch | p. 72 |
| | Hello. You Look Wonderful. | p. 76 |
| | | |
| | First Time Ever I Saw Your Face | p. 81 |
| | The Gay Moon Landings | p. 84 |
| | We Only Had Two Transsexuals in Wolverhampton | p. 87 |
| | Come Party With Gaga | p. 90 |
| | MTV Hoes | p. 106 |
| | Burqas: Are the Men Doing It? | p. 109 |
| | This Cape Makes Me Look Like Wizbit | p. 112 |
| | We Need Quotas, Ladies. Or We Will Be Lonely Pelicans. | p. 115 |
| | I Would Like Some Chivalry, Please, Dude | p. 118 |
| | Don't Feed the Troll | p. 122 |
| | On the Set of Doctor Who | p. 125 |
| | This is Not a Gift | p. 134 |
| | | |
| | All the Ways I've Ruined Your Life | p. 139 |
| | I Refuse to Make You Goody Bags. Leave Before I Summon a Policeman. | p. 142 |
| | I Hate Charlie and Lola | p. 145 |
| | The Horror of Daddy's Special Lemonade | p. 148 |
| | In Defense of Binge Drinking | p. 151 |
| | Aberystwyth: The Only Place I Stop Wanting | p. 154 |
| | Libraries: Cathedrals of Our Souls | p. 159 |
| | Unlike Most of the Coalition, I Was Raised on Benefits | p. 162 |
| | I Know What It's Like to be Poor. They Took Away the TV, and We Cried. | p. 165 |
| | I Love a Protestor. You Don't Need Answers-Just Questions. | p. 168 |
| | Downton Abbey Review 1: Lady Mary's Haunted Vagina | p. 171 |
| | Downton Abbey Review 2: "SEX WILL BE HAD! SEX WILL BE HAD!" | p. 176 |
| | Summer Is an Emergency | p. 180 |
| | Time Travel in the Same Four Places | p. 183 |
| | | |
| | My French Dress | p. 189 |
| | Sherlock Review 3: As Good as Television Gets | p. 192 |
| | I Wish to Copyright My Hair | p. 196 |
| | Chicks with Big Hair Are My Chicks | p. 199 |
| | The Best Royal Wedding Ever | p. 202 |
| | My Day with Paul McCartney. From the Beatles. | p. 213 |
| | Celebrity Weight-Loss: The Truth | p. 224 |
| | Elizabeth Taylor: Heavy, Like Wet Roses | p. 227 |
| | Winehouse-Jump on Your Voice, Like a Lion, and Run Away | p. 229 |
| | My Tragically Early Death | p. 232 |
| | Acknowledgments | p. 235 |