| | 1980: Ancient History | |
| | Prologue | p. 3 |
| | January | p. 4 |
| | Why I Always Wanted to Be a Clone | p. 16 |
| | February | p. 18 |
| | Miss Letitia Thing's Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior Concerning Tricks, One-Night (or Afternoon) Stands, and the Like, with a Special Appendix on Relationships | p. 29 |
| | March | p. 32 |
| | Boyfriends: Pros and Cons | p. 44 |
| | April | p. 46 |
| | How to Get Eighty-Sixed from the Restaurant or Cocktail Lounge of Your Choice | p. 55 |
| | May | p. 56 |
| | Cocktails from Hell | p. 64 |
| | June | p. 65 |
| | How to Get Rid of the Trick Who Won't Leave | p. 73 |
| | July | p. 74 |
| | Helpful Hints for Alfresco Sex | p. 86 |
| | August | p. 88 |
| | Some Queens | p. 96 |
| | September | p. 98 |
| | A History of Insanity on Both Sides of the Family, or Why I Have Always Been Attracted to the Mentally Ill | p. 110 |
| | October | p. 112 |
| | How to Tell When Your Relationship Is on the Rocks | p. 124 |
| | November | p. 125 |
| | What to Do on Your Annual Holiday Visit When Your Family Disapproves of Your Sexual Preference or Orientation... | p. 143 |
| | December | p. 145 |
| | 1986: Learning How to Cry | |
| | Prologue | p. 151 |
| | January | p. 153 |
| | Some Symptoms | p. 162 |
| | February | p. 164 |
| | After I Was Mugged | p. 183 |
| | March | p. 184 |
| | Some of the People I Distrust | p. 190 |
| | April | p. 192 |
| | 6:12 P.M. | p. 209 |
| | May | p. 211 |
| | Safe Sex in the Age of Anxiety | p. 223 |
| | June | p. 225 |
| | How to Stay Celibate in the Age of Anxiety | p. 238 |
| | July | p. 240 |
| | Egg Paranoia | p. 251 |
| | August | p. 254 |
| | Everything | p. 265 |
| | September | p. 266 |
| | Sensitivity Exercises for Death | p. 275 |
| | October | p. 276 |
| | When I Cried | p. 294 |
| | November | p. 296 |
| | The Last Time I Saw Him | p. 320 |
| | December | p. 321 |
| | Epilogue | p. 325 |