Chapter Excerpt

Love Him Or Leave Him, But Don’t Get Stuck With the Tab


One of the things I love about the single life is that you get to go on a lot of first dates. I know many women dread going out with a new guy for the first time. The nerves, the awkward conversation, the not knowing if you should order the lobster because he might be a cheap-ass and expect you to go Dutch. It’s true some first dates can be awful. Like those times you go to a fancy restaurant and your date spends more time asking the cocktail waitress about her inner-thigh tattoo than talking to you. Or you tell him you admire the relationship he has with his mother and he says, “Great, because I’ve invited her to join us.” But instead of facing first dates with dread, consider each and every one a great opportunity to gather information while getting a free meal. On a first date a man will tell you almost everything you need to know about what kind of person he is. You just need to stay sober enough to remember the next day.

The next time you’re on a first date, look around the room. If you’re in a restaurant and notice that every woman there—from the coat-check girl to the manager—is giving your date dirty looks, then consider yourself warned. He probably owes them money, a phone call, or both.

When I want to know what kind of man I’m dealing with, I look at his shoes. If he’s wearing some nice hard-soled shoes, I know he’s solid, dependable, and is probably the type of man to carry a condom in his wallet. If he’s wearing sneakers, that’s okay, as long as they’re clean and have laces. I don’t trust a man who wears shoes that close with Velcro. That’s just lazy. Now, if he shows up for dinner wearing flip-flops, you better run for the hills. A man who wears flip-flops to dinner doesn’t take anything seriously. He’s the kind of man who will make fart jokes when you’re trying to tell him about your horrible day at work or laugh at you if you trip and fall on your ass before he checks to see if you’re okay. Trust me, even if you have a cushiony ass like mine, falling on your behind hurts. The last thing you need is your man laughing at you like he’s a five-year-old at the circus. You want a man who treats you like a prize, not a clown.

The other great thing about first dates is they give you a chance to refine your First Date Look—that’s the outfit and hairstyle that makes you feel most comfortable, beautiful, and confident. Even if you think your date might be a dud, it’s still a great opportunity to try out a new look, get a new weave, or buy yourself a dress that exposes, er . . . I mean shows off your best assets. For example, you might not know this about me, but I have exquisite knees, so whenever I’m on a date I always wear a skirt that shows them off. When I was growing up, Momma Love always used to tell me, “Don’t hide your light under a bushel.” Well, the same can be said about dating: don’t hide your best features under a tent dress. Got good cans? Show the girls! Well-toned arms? Wear a tube top! You’re going on a date, not to Bible study.

Most important of all, on a first date, pay attention to the way the man treats you. Does he give you his undivided attention, or does he check his cell phone every ten minutes? Does he order his meal before you or patiently wait until you’ve asked the waiter to list all the ingredients of every dish? Does he seem interested in what you have to say, or does he constantly change the topic to sex and when he’s going to get some? Even the way he walks down the street with you says a lot. A man who walks side by side with a woman sees her as his equal. A man who walks ahead expects to run the show. And a man who lags behind? Why, that’s an ass man! But if you’re built like Sofía Vergara, then congratulations, girl! You may just have met your Mr. Right.

Excerpted from Love Him or Leave Him, but Don't Get Stuck with the Tab: Hilarious Advice for Real Women by Loni Love
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